Mommy Poppins: "Just 'Eat' It"

I cannot cook, which is unfortunate. Because, of all the domestic tasks I want to perform consistently well, this rates at the top of my list. I come from a line of great cooks... My maternal grandmother was a culinary queen. And my paternal Grandma owned and operated a home cookin' restaurant for decades, for cryin' out loud. She still cooks for family and it is always incredible. Britt's grandmother was a fantastic cook (they still tell stories of her homemade tamales), and my mom and mother-in-law clearly fell close to the apple trees. They both are fabulous cooks who make their mothers' meals, their own dishes, AND follow new recipes well. This is what I call the "Kitchenette Triple Threat" since they can turn out great food regardless of where or what they're working with.

This is not my thing.

You'd think I'd have cooking in my blood but I am really limited to a few standard dishes I make in a pathetic little rotation.

• Mexican Chicken Dip
• Taco Soup
• Baked Pork Chops
• Baked Chicken

(At this point, no one should get too excited...all of these are Crock Pot dishes. Do they even really count?)

• Taco Casserole
• Baked Spaghetti
• Chicken Pie
• Deli Sandwiches

The highlight of my cooking career has been at Thanksgiving when I've baked my own turkey and made homemade gravy, dressing and sides. I've managed all of this twice. We ate like royalty those two days and then it was back to reality.

Tonight, I made meatloaf. Meatloaf with homemade mashed potatoes, fresh steamed broccoli, corn, and some freshly sliced watermelon. I don't want to brag, but I do make a pretty mean meatloaf. Now, I should note out of fairness that it is a very homely looking dish – “Humble Food” - and that is being incredibly generous. But it tastes good, and really, I think that's what matters most anyway.

So, in honor of this rare occasion that I cook a 'real' meal, I'm going to share the experience with you. Write this down. Christmas comes but once a year.

First, when preparing this meal, I make the meatloaf. It's basically one pound of ground beef, one egg, salt & pepper, ketchup, Italian seasoning, and bread crumbs all mixed together and pulverized with a potato masher. I have no idea how much of any of it I put in (other than the meat and single egg) but it usually looks like this:

Mmmmmmmm.

I pat this into a loaf pan and press it down so that it will bake evenly. (Excuse me while I die laughing... Who am I kidding? 'Bake evenly'? I just really don't want it to be pink in the middle.) This bakes at 350° for about 30 minutes. I just keep checking it. When it's done I make the glaze, which means I squirt ketchup all over the top and bake it another 5 minutes.

Check out those fork strokes. Classic technique.

Next, I prepare the potatoes. They're cubed and boiled to absolute smithereens. Personally, I feel potatoes are ready only after they have boiled over and charred your stove top to the point that only Mr. Clean and his Magic Eraser completely undo the damage. I believe this so resolutely that even Emily will ask, "Mom, did you remember to boil over the potatoes?" She will grow up believing that's the only way to cook them and her husband will think she's nuts. It'll all make sense when she explains "That's how my mama did it." Bless.

They're ready. Trust me.

After I drain the potatoes I add butter and milk I've heated in the microwave. (Again, amounts are whatever I think looks right.) Then I mix/mash them up with my KitchenAid handheld mixer. (Be impressed. This is the nicest gadget in my kitchen aside from a KitchenAid ice cream scoop, which I use. A lot.)

The broccoli is a bit of a wild card for me lately. I used to have this down to a science: broccoli florets, a half inch of water in the bottom of the pot, a pinch of salt, and a careful eye. But two weeks ago I had a bit of a broccoli blunder and I'm - quite frankly - surprised the fam was ready to get back on the horse. Apparently, I salted the broccoli twice. (Insert dramatic eye roll here.) I can only guess that's what happened. In my defense I'm sure I was distracted by, oh, I don't know, a 6 year old and a baby. Anyway, in addition to twice-salted water, the broccoli steamed a bit longer than is generally preferred. So when I lifted the lid it wasn't a healthy bright green color and a touch soft. It was a sickly green color and very limp and sad looking like I'd broken its' little heart, which makes sense since the broccoli tasted like it had been salted AGAIN with the tears of grief and mourning. Britt and Emily were kind enough to not mention it until after I said, "I can't remember but I may have salted the broccoli twice." To which Britt replied, "Good God" and Emily just looked at me like I’d told her unicorns aren’t real (which I actually DID have to tell her a few days later and explains how I recognized the look). I had to endure further ridicule throughout the meal with statements like:

- "Would you like some broccoli with your salt?";
- "The fly,” (that had come in with us earlier), “must've tasted the broccoli and died. I'm pretty sure I saw x's over his eyes;" and,
- "If your salt isn't salty enough just add some broccoli."

WHATever.

The final component of the meal – the corn - is actually the hardest part, since I have to be super careful to not cut my finger while I open the can.

In all, I think it was a success. The meatloaf never slices so it ends up looking like a red ground beef mound but remember, we agreed the taste is more important. And it really doesn’t matter anyway because we all end up adding more ‘glaze’.