Brave Heart

"Every man dies.  Not every man really lives."
- William Wallace, Braveheart

So, tomorrow is my birthday.  My 37^th birthday.  Thirty. Seven.

Now look, I know 37 is not old.  But I do FEEL old.  I thought it WAS old last year, when I was struggling with 36.  But when I consider that I hope to one day be 40, then 37 is much younger.  Life should not be lived based on how we feel, and in many ways it’s all about perspective.  And nothing gives you that more than having kids or growing olderish.

When our family grew by two more feet a little over two years ago, I finally gave up making New Year resolutions (or NYRs from here on out, because I am almost old and lazy).  Quite frankly, I decided that NYRs are stupid.  I realize this is harsh.  I know there are tons of people who look towards the start of a new calendar year like I do the freshness of a new pint of Cookies N’ Cream ice cream.  There’s a thrill knowing that you have something untouched and therefore, unscarred: a new start.  And it’s important in life to continue to set goals; I’ll agree with that totally.  It’s all very exciting (and in some ways, inspiring), but I’m already a professional at setting unrealistic goals for myself with the superior knowledge that I will fail in most of them miserably.  I do not need a holiday to help me do this.  (If you’ve known me or followed me on social media for any kind of time, you already know that I’m very comfortable being honest about this.)  I did, at one point in life, make resolutions – back in a time when I did not have children and I could focus more on myself.  But life is very (blessedly) different now, and my priorities are vastly different as well.  I am very okay with that.  So, with this proclamation comes the added acceptance that New Year resolutions are just not for me.

Up until now.   

                                 

I was recently talking with My Bestie about the upcoming new school year and impending fall season.  She and I are so grateful to have so much fullness in our lives, but it can get overwhelming if we stop and think about it too much.  So as we were commiserating, I told her that I always consider the beginning of a new school year the *actual* start of a new year.  Routines and schedules are newly established, everyone falls into a workable rhythm, the comforts of consistency become a fresh reality, and we seem to operate with a bit more grace.  I know the new school year is around 180 days and that is SO much easier to commit to than 365.  So, I treat the new school year like MY new year, because I am the one who does the majority of ‘dealing’ and this just makes it easier for me to ‘deal’.  Plus, the start of a new school year just HAPPENS to fall very close to my birthday.  So you probably see now where I’m going with this…

We talked about things going on, and things coming up, and before I even knew what was happening, My Bestie had convinced me to purchase an amazing new life planner.  A LIFE planner, y’all.  One that has space for all the life stuff.  {She and two other dear friends ganged up on me like a Loving Little Life Planner Peer Pressure Posse and I swiped my card and now my planner’s on the way.  I can’t wait to get it and color-code every single inch.}

There are many wonderful things about this purchase that only the Type-Aist of the Type-As can appreciate.  At the front of the planner, there are a few blank pages.  Like, nothing but lines and blocks and inspiring quotes.  And as I was trying to decide on whether or not to take the plunge, I looked at those pages and thought, “There’s nothing here.  What would I put here?  How am I going to fill this space?  All the spaces MUST BE FILLED.  How will I know what to put here without these spaces and lines and pages being LABELED with what they should be?”  This truly kept me up at night.  I NEED things to be clear.

And then, it dawned on me…I know EXACTLY what I’m going to put in these spaces.  It’s going to be my birthday gift to myself.  And this is it:

This is going to be my year of freedom.  I am ready and I recognize that I need to be humbly selfish and prioritize myself for a change.  And when I say ‘myself’, I mean my REAL self.  Because I am just over the alternative.  I am over it 100 of the percents: the need to be perfect, the need to be labeled, the need to be filtered, the need to worry or to be anxious, the need to have all of the spaces filled with meaningless stuff that somehow makes me feel like I'm doing this life right.  I am just not interested in that any more.  I can’t maintain it.  I want to, but I can’t, and the pressure to keep up with that image is just too exhausting, and frankly, it steals my joy. 

That became painfully clear to me this past summer.  For a while, I struggled with some feelings of insecurity and wondering if I was ‘enough’.  At some point or another, this plagues us all, and the summer months – with their sneaky, lazy, long, isolating days – were more challenging for me this year for this reason.  When things bother us, we can make the choice to internalize or rationalize.  I knew better, but I was vulnerable and so it seeped in.  It can do that if we’re not careful and idly spend our time scrolling through social media, where all of the perfect people post all of the perfect things – the perfect victories and projects and pedicures and date nights and children and marriages and moments that they have carefully chosen to post, because those things represent the best of themselves.  And I’m guilty of it, too.  (Helloooooo, Perfect Selfie post!)  But one night, enough was enough.  It hit me like a ton of bricks – just one super annoying post by someone I rarely see and I had pretty much had it.  WHY was I assessing my own worth against something so petty?!  It was an “Aha!” moment: a moment of heavenly clarity.  It reminded me that as long as we’re choosing, we must CHOOSE to set our sights on things above, not on what we see here on earth.  A dear friend once said that when you hit your mid-thirties, you just care less.  You’re not careless.  (There’s a difference!)  You just realize that the things you once thought were important just aren’t any more.  And this finally clicked for me.  There are only a few things that really, truly matter in this life.  Why in the world am I going to spend one more day concerning myself with chasing those feathers in the wind?  I’d much rather keep the ones in my nest secure.  One of the first things I read online after this enlightenment was a blog that gave me so much freedom.  The post is titled “Things I Do” and I absolutely loved it.  (Read it here! http://austin.citymomsblog.com/2016/03/22/things-i-dont-do/)  It was so, so liberating at the most critical time.  [Jen Hatmaker has also written an incredible, sure-to-set-you-free book touching on this very subject.  If you don’t already have a copy of For the Love, you can get one by using this link on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Fighting-Grace-Impossible-Standards/dp/0718031822/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1472959126&sr=8-1&keywords=for+the+love  Believe me, the first few chapters will be your new spirit animal.]

Since I’ve realized that this new way of thinking is okay, my resolutions have been taking shape. 

And with that, I have decided.  I am not going to be THIRTY-seven.  I am going to be STURDY-seven.  I may be older, but I truly hope that I am also wiser.  With that wisdom I hope (and PLAN) to invest myself in only the very best ways - for me and for my family and for my faith.  I am “Shedding the Stepford” and I’m going to be all kinds of real.

So, HOW does a Type-A, fill-all-the-space, rely-on-the-plan, color-coded perfectionist go about being vulnerable and giving herself some freedom?  This is my strategy:

I’m still going to fill all my space.  It will be full.  But WHAT I’m going to fill it with is the real gift.  My spaces in my new life planner – the front pages, the ones that set the tone – will be filled with unapologetic statements of who I am, who I aim to be and what I want to do with this year.  They’re my resolutions, but I AM RESOLVED that I will keep them.  I really want to, and I really NEED to.  These spaces will be filled with my lists – my heart’s lists.  Lists like:

Things *I* do;
Things I don’t do;
Things I’m good at doing;
Things I want to learn to do;
Things I like to do;
Ways I’ll be investing my time;
My spiritual gifts

I’m not going to tell you the specifics in these lists because they’re mine and I own them; I am proud of and am challenged by them.  I pray that I’m able to refocus a few things based on these lists, and I’m trusting that God will give me discernment as I navigate life through THESE filters, not the ones I see in apps or those that society has so thoughtfully put in place.  If I feel like I need to say something, I’m going to say it.  If I feel like I need to lie something down because it doesn’t fit in my lists, like the original blogger said, I’m going to put it aside, maybe for now...maybe forever.  If it’s something that I really want to do and I can take on a new thing without compromising the other parts of myself, I hope I’ll have the courage to do that.  I also pray I’ll be brave enough to say no, because I intend to.

Yesterday morning, a Facebook memory (irony?) popped up in my timeline.  In a way, I feel like it was the Lord gently reminding me that evaluating life and organizing my heart like this is a good thing.  It’s healthy and hopeful and in some ways, the only way someone like me – who holds onto control so tightly – can be convinced to let go a little.  My resolutions may seem to be outside of the color codes of the schedule I’ve set for myself, but they may be 100% within the strokes He wants to paint on my heart.  The message was simple and I wrote it a year ago, September 3, 2015:

“Sometimes you have to look at yourself and say, ‘All of this that I’m carrying looks so heavy.  What can I put down?’  And then you do that.  You put it down and you walk away.  Even if it’s just for a season, you don’t carry that thing."

“Choose wisely.”

And so, with that, I’m filling my space with the things that matter.  The things that will make Sturdy-Seven one of the best years of my life.

Happy birthday to me.

"A person plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." 

- Proverbs 16:9